G3: The Whip, Where I Come From, and the Thing About Christmas that Makes Me Mad

Where do I come from?  I’m from the West.  Out there, past the Sun, beyond the horizon.  The FAR West. The place I come from, we kill a man every morning just to work up an appetite!  Then we salt him, pepper him, braise him in clarified butter… And then we eat him.  THAT’S WHAT I SAID!  Hell, I’ve seen things that’ll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions!  You spend three days inside a horse carcass living off of your own juices… that’ll change a man.  Oh yeah.  So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am NOT from around these parts.  You might say I’m from wherever there’s trouble brewing and hell waiting to be raised.  You could say I’m what hell’s already raised up.  The name’s…

Ben Hoy.

[Whiplash noise]

                
 And that is what I say whenever someone asks where I’m from. 

                I find the song “Last Christmas I Gave You my Heart” very annoying.  Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away?  That’s not a Christmas song; it’s a regular song with the word Christmas thrown into it!  Think about it.  That song could have easily been “Last Tuesday I gave you my heart”, but the fact that it has the word Christmas in it makes it a Christmas song, and that is just not acceptable to me.

One year I got a whip for Christmas.  It was an interesting gift, and I wasn’t allowed to use it on anyone accept robbers.  I would stay awake each night with my whip and wait for robbers.  But none came.  As I grew up, I realized that my whip had many uses, one of them being that I could crack it after I said my name.  Another one being that I can whip the radio off when “Last Christmas I gave you my heart” comes on.  Yeah, I’m that good with it.

[Whiplash noise]