J3: The Shoeless Man, An Awesome Band

My favorite band is the Shoeless Man.  The Shoeless Man is a band of two people, one that plays the spoons and one that sings and plays the tambourine.  The one who plays the tambourine and sings is technically THE Shoeless Man, because he never wears any shoes.  The other guy wears boots and overalls.  Together, they weave lyrical and musical magic.

One of my favorite songs by The Shoeless Man is Mobile Home.  This song is about The Shoeless Man’s house in his childhood years, and features a spoon solo by the other guy.  You know, the one with the boots and the overalls.  With the spoons.  Here is an excerpt from the song:

Growin’ up in the mobile home,

‘Round the creek in my boots I’d roam.

A-Jumpin’ in the mud and a-catchin’ them frogs,

Just me, the cousins, and the dog.

Then the other guy plays his spoon solo: Click Clickety Click Clicketyclick Click Clack Clickclack.  It sound beautiful.

Last year, when The Shoeless Man went on his world tour, I followed him to every concert: Memphis, Saudi Arabia, Vatican City, Beijing, Moscow, and Panama.  One time I got to go up to him and sign his foot, which is one of his shticks.  There are a buttload of signatures on his feet because he never washes them.

Nobody really knows how old The Shoeless Man is, because he never says anything when he’s not singing.  But we can use relative dating to conclude that he was alive in the twenty’s, because there is the signature of President Calvin Coolidge on his ankle.

Very little is known about the other guy.  There is a rumor that his eyes blink vertically, with his eyelids coming from the sides of his eyes, but no one can be sure because he never blinks; he just has a blank impression constantly.

The Shoeless Man.  \m/

J4: The Ben Files Episode 3

Well, it’s Thursday, and I can’t think of a choice blog to write.   I don’t blame me, though.  I’m sure you would also be distracted if you were a superhero.

The Ben Files

Episode 3: A Yen

I’m standing in the Save-A-Lot plaza, looking for crime.  I don’t see any, and this construction paper suit I made is getting really uncomfortable.  Also, I ‘m freezing, because it’s snowing and as I said before, all I’m wearing is construction paper.  I’m going into the store to warm up. 

Okay, I still don’t see any crime, but I might as well make myself known.  I am a superhero, after all.  I approach two guys that are shoving candy in their pocket so that they can carry it to the cash register and buy it. 

“Hello, good citizens.  It is I, A.N, guardian of Alden.”  In order to keep my identity a secret, I have made a superhero abbreviation for my superhero name.  Because opposable starts with an… a.

“A yen?” says the good citizen of Alden.  “Isn’t that a form of Japanese currency?”

“No, it’s my superhero abbreviation for my superhero name.”

“You’re a… superhero?  What are your powers?”

“Well, I have an opposable nose and I can type blogs while simultaneously doing anything.  In fact, I’m writing one right now.”

“Dude,” the good citizen of Alden whispered to his friend, “he’s a nut job.  Let’s get out of here.”

Did you ever know someone who whispers really loud, as if he or she was basically talking without using their vocal chords?  Well, that’s what this guy was like.  Terrible whisperer.  Horrendous. 

The two good citizens of Alden walk out of the store with bulging pockets.  I turn around, and continued to see if I could spot any thieves within the store.  Then I hear the good citizen of Alden whisper to his buddy, “Yay.  We robbed the store.”

It all comes together in my mind.  The bulging pockets.  The fact that he said he had just robbed the store.  Those two guys aren’t good citizens of Alden at all!  They are thieves!

I scream at them to stop, and they run away.  I chase them.  My first superhero mission!  It pays to be a good whisperer, I think as I wipe the falling snow out of my eyes with my opposable nose.

To Be Continued…

I2: Bucket List

I have to make a three item bucket list.  Well that’s fun.  But do you want to know what would make it even more fun?  If I told it in

 Song!

The following song is actually a poem.  So sing it as if you are an extremely boring rapper.

 

If I had a bucket list,

I’d hold the bucket in my fist.

I would not kick that bucket ‘til

I did three things (or I got killed)

Cause there’s a list inside that bucket

That if I complete, I’d tell Death, “Suck it.

I did three things you thought I could not.

I’ve cheated you, Death. I’ve avoided your plot.”

Number one, jump out of a plane in mid-air,

Land at the White House, and once I got there,

Ding dong dash the president’s lair.

I’d float in like a feather, then strike like a viper.

Then I’d run away, barely dodging the snipers.

As Death’s agitation towards me slowly grew

I’d say, “That’s one down, now time for number two.”

I’d go my house, empty the mayonnaise jar,

Fill it with vanilla pudding, then head to the park.

I’d sit on a bench, eat as much as I please,

As bicyclists rode by, then ran into trees. 

I’d cheated Death, cause if that was mayonnaise,

I’d probably be sick or dead within days.

The third one, I’m pretty sure came from YouTube.

But it’s awesomely cool, like a shooba doob doob.

I’d have to wait a long time for this one.

But once I complete it, my bucket list’s done.

It takes place when the doctor asks for my last words.

I’d take one last breath, and then audibly slur

“Yes, just three.”  Then I’d check the last thing off my list

And as everyone waited, I’d cease to exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I3: The Highlight of My Break

             The highlight of my break, you ask?  Ah yes.  A smile spreads across my face just thinking about it, as if to say “Oh yeah, I remember, but I won’t tell you.”  And then you’re like “TELL ME WHAT IS IT” and I smile even bigger and then you become cross with me.

But let’s have a little less attitude and a little more gratitude.  Because I WILL in fact tell you the highlight of my break, but it is rated PG-13, so names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The following story is true.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

“Hey Flig, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good, Mulp.  I’m pretty pumped about CHRISTMAS BREAK!  YAY-UH!”

“YAY-UH!”

“Plus, I just got done writing my Dear Flig article for the Bulldog, so now I have no homework except for math, earth science, English, global, French, health, advisement, study hall, gym, and earth science lab!”

“Hm.  What are you doing for Christmas break?”

“I’m going to do read the Bulldog student Newspaper.  How about you?”

“I’ve got to get back to Hollywood and star in my new movie, The Great Gatsby.  I feel like everybody defines me by Titanic, so I’m hoping this new one will clear my name, because honestly, that movie was terrible.”

“You know, don’t be offended, but I never actually saw that.”

“Why not?”

“WACS News gave it five stars, so I assumed it sucked.”

“Yeah, that’ll do it.  Well, see you later, cousin.”

2 hours later

“Well, I just finished reading Nornt’s Wacky Myth, so that officially means I read the entire issue of the Bulldog.  I guess I’ll go outside and run around on the ice with this highlighter.

Wee, haha this is fun!”

[sound of Flig slipping and painful cracking noise]

“AAUUUUUUGH!  $^$&%&#%$#!! I THINK I BROKE MY ARM!! AWWGH!  There’s highlighter all over the place!”

 

And so that was the highlight of my break.  Get it?  Because there was a highlighter and I broke my arm?  Does that make sense?

No, that makes absolutely no sense at all.  Eh, whatever.

 

 

I4: The Ben Files Episode 2

The Ben Files

Episode 2: The Opposable Nosable

            Okay, where did I leave off?  Oh yeah, the world is ending, and there are meteors flying everywhere, and we’re going to die.  Aw. 

Wait a minute… I don’t hear anything.  I don’t see any more meteors either!  Woohoo!  The world isn’t ending.  What a relief.  I’m dancing now.  I’m doing the Macarena. 

Wait a minute.  I hear something.  AW, it sounds really familiar; I know I’ve heard it before.  It’s on the tip of my tongue!  OH YEAH, IT’S THE SOUND OF A METEOR PLUMMETING TOWARDS ME!  That’s right; because the world was just ending and that’s the sound I heard when the meteors slammed into the earth.  Man, I love that feeling.  You know, when you think you know the answer to something and it’s right there in your head but you can’t put a finger on it and then you

BOoOOOM!!

AHHHHHHHHH!  Holy crap, a freaking meteor just landed RIGHT in front of me!  Wow, I could have died.  Ahem. 

Let’s have a look at this meteor, shall we?  It appears to have a bluish green sludge leaking out of it.  I’m going to sniff it.  Ugh, it smells really weird.  Kind of like if somebody eats a really good food and then their breath smells exactly like it and you can’t decide whether that’s good or bad. 

Uh oh, I seem to have gotten some of the bluish green sludge on my nose when I sniffed the meteor.  I’ll wipe it off before my nose gets messed up and I look like the child of Michael Jackson and Voldemort. 

Too late.  My nose is feeling really weird.  I feel… powerful.  I’m changing.  Duvduv.  Duvduv.  That’s the sound of the vein in my forehead.  I feel so alive… awgh, now I feel like I’m going to puke… I’m passing out… I’m dying… GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD…

I just woke up.  Hey, that means I’m not dead!  Sweet.  Well, I should get back home now.  I wonder how long I passed out for.  Man, my face is itchy.  I’ll just scratch it with my nose.

HOLY CRAP.  I JUST SCRATCHED MY FACE WITH MY NOSE.  How the %^#$ did I do that?!  Let me try again.  Awesome!  My nose can move around and grope things like a finger!  I bet it was from that meteor discharge I got on my nose.

Well, I guess that means I’m a superhero.  I’m going home to get some tights.  No more will Alden be harassed by meteors, study hall teachers, and the excruciatingly long and irrelevant reports of WACS News.  For I am…

The Opposable Nosable.

To Be Continued...

I1: New Year's Resolution

My New Year’s Resolution this year is to turn sixteen years old.  I tried doing this last year, but I barely missed by one year.  This year, I’m sure I can do it.  I’m back, I’m hungry for retribution, and I’ve learned from my mistakes last year so that I can achieve my goal this year.  I’m pumped.  I know I can do this.

Last year, I wasn’t ready.  I think the reason for my failure is that I was too young to take on such a hard task.  This year I am much older and ready to give it one more shot.  I only have one chance to achieve my goal: at 6:00 in the morning on June seventh.  It has to be exactly then, otherwise I’d cause a paradox and the planet would implode on itself.

Turning sixteen is important to me for many reasons.  One of the reasons is that it makes me grow up and become sixteen.  Once I am sixteen, I can drive around in a car.  Now that I think about it, that is the only reason turning sixteen is cool. 

Of course, it is also necessary for me to age, which is another reason I am determined to do this.  I mean, if I don’t turn sixteen on June seventh this year, will I ever turn sixteen?  How does that even work? 

Last year, I told my friends about my goal and they were all like, “You will never turn sixteen.  Ha haha ha.  What a fool to think that he can turn sixteen.”

We are mortal enemies now.  I must prove each and every one of them wrong.  I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when I walk up to them on my birthday and show them my birth certificate.  Then I will rub it in their faces and drive my car over them.