M1: Saint Patrick's Day

Saint Patrick’s Day is a perfect example of how stupid people can be if they don’t have exact directions.  Think about it: all people do on St. Patty’s Day is get drunk and pretend they’re more Irish than they are, and somehow leprechauns are in on it too.  Now, I know there’s a story about how Saint Patrick did all this stuff and got captured and everything, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t turn into a Leprechaun or drink or anything.  I think people just know about how Saint Patrick was Irish, so they get drunk, like Irish people often do (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  The Leprechaun probably comes from the three colors of the Irish flag: green clothes, an orange beard, and stark white skin (not that there’s anything wrong with that). 

If people had directions on how to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, I think it could really be a good holiday.  I mean, think about if Christmas didn’t have directions.  All people would do is strap crosses to their back and run around the streets screaming,

“JEEEEESUUUUUUUS!”

Like I said, all Saint Patrick’s Day needs is some instructions, so I have composed a series of activities and customs to do on Saint Patrick’s Day.  Ahem.

Every Saint Patrick’s Day, each town gathers up all of their ginger residents, who dress as Leprechauns. Then, those select few proceed to get as drunk as possible, and then hide anywhere in the town.  Once they are done hiding, everybody in the town looks for them.  You may think it will be easy to find a drunken full-sized Leprechaun in a town, but there is a twist: Everybody in the town wears a blindfold and are only guided by a specially trained sheep on a leash.

Once a Leprechaun is found by a sheep, he or she, the sheep, and the person guiding the sheep are thrown into a deep pit full of clovers.  In the pit of clovers, there is ONE four-leafed one, and if anyone finds it, they automatically win the Patty Cup, which is basically a huge trophy with a Saint Patrick figurine on top.

But, obviously, that won’t happen, because it is very unlikely that the four-leafed clover will be found.  No, the most common way for the Patty Cup to be won is for a sheep-guider to find the last Leprechaun, and then all three of them (the Leprechaun, the sheep-guider, and the sheep) share the trophy and are paraded around on chairs like a Bar-Mitzvah.  When that’s over, everyone in the town just chills in the clover pit and swims around in the clovers.  I think if people celebrated St. Patrick’s Day this way, it would represent the true meaning of the holiday more than just getting drunk.